I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
