I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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