So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Randomize
