I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
