I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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