I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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