i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I am spending my child support on dildos
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
