We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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