I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
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