Don't you send me to vm
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
