If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
