Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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