They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I am full of burrito and curiosity
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
