the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
