your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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