somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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