WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
