My friends, they love my intelligence
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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