just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
