did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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