That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
