brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
