let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
