I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
