there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
