she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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