I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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