I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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