Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
