Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
