I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
