I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
