When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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