last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
