her vagine was all disorganized.
i was born a porn star she said
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Is it penis luge time yet?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
