i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
