She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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