So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize