A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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