I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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