ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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