You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
