They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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