apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
