Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
