hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
