Even the bartender felt bad for me
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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