if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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