when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
