I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
