I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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