I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
