if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I need moral support for this bender
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
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