I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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