Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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