I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
