Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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