I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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