my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
